To you,

For the record, I realized I have never loved you. But you loved me, in the kindest way possible.

See, I have written this letter not for you to actually read it but as a bitter reminder for myself. So don’t think that I wrote this so that you may think that I still hope that maybe, just maybe, there’s that slightest chance you and I could be together. I wrote this because I need to find myself now after being so wretchedly lost in my own moonlight dreams of love and forever.

I have loved you. Yes, I did. And I still do, though I chose not to insist on it now. They say that if you love someone, you gotta fight for it and never give up. I wish I could do so. But I cannot afford to do it for I have found a better way of loving you now and that is giving us the longest possible time and the largest possible space to be whole on ourselves, individually.

I thought I have loved you. I thought that love is composed of moments, time together, mutual understanding and affections. But this Higher Love I found now has taught me that I have loved you with the cheapest form of love. It was a love that the world could offer and it is nothing, empty, broken and shallow. I thought that what I felt was enough for you to love me back. But I was faced with reality that I was not loving you all along. Love is not just the moments, but both sweet and bitter moments. Love is not just the time together, but the quality of time spent. Love is not just about mutual understanding, but should be a healthy and growing one. Love is not just a warm affection but a decision and commitment. Love should point us not to ourselves but to the Higher Love that is God, who is the author and creator of it all.

Thank you. Let me express my utmost thanks to you for not loving me back in the way that I was expecting. Thank you for loving me in the most disappointing way possible (for me) and hurting me during the process. Because it was your kind of love that have pushed me to stop looking for love in the so many wrong places and to seek for love from Love Himself. It was your kind of love that allowed me to see that I have been very unloving. It was your painful kind of love and To The One Who Made My Heart Beat Again that have taught me to love genuinely for what it is really defined to be by the Author of Love and not by the world’s definitions. Thank you for hurting me and loving me at the same time.

Sorry. Please forgive me if I have insisted on my way. Please forgive me if I have pushed you so much and became very unloving towards you. Sorry if I have been blinded by my heart’s deceit. This is also my chance of apologizing also to myself for being very hard on me and for locking me up in this dungeon called bitterness. I am also asking God to forgive me if I have put you before Him.

I pray and hope that in our separate times, we may eventually come across the one great love that God has planned for each of us. I pray that God will both bless our hearts and heal it from all the bitterness, hurtful words and unforgiveness. I pray that as we both journey in our walk with the Author of Love Himself, we may be able to say in the end that we are not all worthy of loving and being loved not until God first loved us.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is never tired of waiting; love is kind; love has no envy; love has no high opinion of itself, love has no pride; Love’s ways are ever fair, it takes no thought for itself; it is not quickly made angry, it takes no account of evil; It takes no pleasure in wrongdoing, but has joy in what is true;  Love has the power of undergoing all things, having faith in all things, hoping all things. Though the prophet’s word may come to an end, tongues come to nothing, and knowledge have no more value, love has no end.

Love,
Kathy

May God grant the godly desires of your heart ❤

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