I am broken.

Guilty and ashamed of so many things I have done in my life, I look at these dirty hands of mine. I look at the mess I have become. I look at the shattered pieces of my heart on the floor and wonder how will I ever clean this up. Or I will just leave the mess as is. What’s the point in trying?

Shutting the door behind, I left the broken mess that is myself and started finding ways to clean it up. In my dark journey in this travesty called depression, I literally sought anything that will ease the pain in my being. I busied myself with sin because it became for me more enjoyable than the pain I am in. It made me forget the broken mess I left behind.

Or so I thought.

The things I ran after to cure me did not make me well at all. These only worsen the remorse I have for myself, deepen the rejection and guilt and thrown me deeper into the pit I am in.

In my desperation, I called to the Lord day and night. I waited.

Then a ray of light broke through. It is when God said, “You are free in my Son Jesus Christ!”

I have fears returning to the broken mess I have left. But God’s mercy allowed me to go back, open the door and look at my brokenness in the eyes.

The Lord is near the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). 

Instead of seeing a clutter of broken pieces of myself, a mess of shattered pieces of my dreams and love, I saw a seed

I saw a seed of broken heart. 

And God is telling me to plant it now. I have to let all myself die. Like a seed that must planted to the earth, buried, die to its being, God has redeemed me by giving me my brokenness as a seed to be planted. 

The sacrifices pleasing to God are a broken and contrite heart. He promises not to despise it (Psalm 51:17).

I do not know yet what will grow from this seed of broken heart I planted. But I will choose to trust the silent and enduring process that the Lord will put me in. 

God revives the heart of a broken and contrite spirit. 

Sow your brokenness unto God and reap His comfort! Water it with your tears! Let the blaze of God’s love bring warmth to it like sunshine! Together, let us watch our seed of brokenness sprout into a garden where the beauty of freedom and joy in Christ abounds!