I can’t even start my conversation with you. I want to say that my heart is rejoicing but I don’t see the point of pretending before You.
I know that even before I persuaded myself to write this prayer to You, You already knew the words I kept in my heart all those long years. You knew very well how every part of me hurts right now–like every nerve in my body is aching and revolting with pain that demands to be noticed.
I can’t get past these heavy and drowning feeling of being rejected over and over again. I can’t see the value of the long time I have spent in loving someone but ending up not being loved in return.
Does this kind of wound ever heal? When will this hurting end? Because if there is a cure, I will desperately sell everything I have just to have it.
Am I ugly, Lord? Am I not worth pursuing? Am I not loved?
I desire to be well again, Lord. I don’t know where to start, how to even begin picking up the broken pieces of myself. I have sold myself completely into the illusion that all that I feel is the truth.
But even my own heart deceived me. It has kept me tucked in this tightly woven fabric of misery, hopelessness and idolatry. I have made a man my idol. I have made the idea of myself loving a person much to be my god. I have let my emotions and unchecked desires rule and control me. And now, all my sins backfired against me.
I am left alone, desperate and broken beyond repair.
Father, forgive me…
And give me the courage to forgive the people who have caused me so much hurt and rejection.
Give me also the humility to even forgive myself for fallimg into this deep trap.
Jesus, heal all that is broken within me. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t bear this heartache anymore. Will You nail these pains on the cross for me? Declare me dead from this pain. Declare me alive in Your love and redemption.
There are thoughts within me that I cannot yet express into words right now. But I believe that Your Holy Spirit intercedes for me in all my groanings.
My soul waits on You, God. I long to see the light of the day.
Keep me in Your palm, Father. Embrace me with Your love, Jesus. I don’t want to be alone again tonight.
Until we get through this, Jesus, You alone are my hope and refuge.
In Jesus’ Name, amen!