I desire to be married someday.
I have to make first that bold statement to remind myself that I am a woman with natural desires. But I have a natural inclination to pull and walk away now when I feel or see that a relationship is getting deeper than the usual. Especially when guys outwardly express their intention to know me deeper, I immediately pull away and distance myself. Not that the man is unworthy or uninteresting enough but because I don’t see myself worthy or interesting enough to be known intentionally. Weird, right?
A sister in Christ once told me that if I continue on going with my social life like this, I would eventually end up single for the rest of my life. It may seem like the worst nightmare for some but I will admit that the person inside me shuddered a bit at that idea. Add to this the pattern I recognized in my life that I insist persistently upon myself on one-sided affections. To say it simply, I like a guy and I invest some unwarranted feelings for him without him showing any interest in me. I will be hurt. And the cycle goes on and on again.
Why can’t I accept the clarity given by some men but instead I choose to hold on to men who never even noticed me in the first place?
I realized that I have this crippling fear of being known. The fear lies not on the intricacies of socializing but I fear that these men who stood up to know me deeper will not like what they will eventually see. I fear that they will see me beyond my appearance and pull away from me. I fear being rejected and so I place this very high wall outside my heart. I do not even dare anyone interested to come up the walls and peek what is inside. I cannot even trust myself for what is inside me.
How ironic, still, that I offer these high walls around my heart to few men who will never notice. I desperately cling onto their attention. I wanted them to climb the walls for me. I wanted them to see what the other men would want to see. But they wouldn’t either.
What is going on?
I don’t deserve to be loved like that. I think I don’t deserve to be pursued in that deep way. I think I don’t deserve to be known full well. Yet, I desire to be loved. I desire to be pursued. I desire to be known full well.
I realized that I am really undeserving. Who would want a girl like me? I do not even like myself now. But something broke through my life, raining down on me in the beginning like the soft trickle of rain, to a light drizzle then a storm.
I came to know Jesus and I am still realizing now how undeserving I am. Yet, like a true gentleman, He came in quietly, waiting for me to accept Him openly into the doors of my heart. He came in so sudden; my heart was like an apartment that was abandoned for many months. In the dirty and dark cobwebs of my heart, He dwelled with me and knew every misplaced furniture within me. He knew of the uncleaned toilet in my heart. He knew and saw everything. Yet, He still loves me. He still pursues me. He knows me full well.
Jesus calls me undeserving yet merited me with grace.
I don’t deserve to be loved like that. Yet, Jesus’ love tells me that I was, I am and I will be loved. I need not to be afraid of His love because He knows me well and still says, “I love you, no matter what.” Jesus need not climb the high walls of my heart to prove Himself because He already gave His life for me.
I don’t deserve a love like that. But Jesus’ love made me deserving so I can love Him back extravagantly and fearlessly.
I am a woman worthy to be loved, pursued and known. I deserve to be loved like that, because of who I am in Jesus!