Full moon shot taken in Pampanga, January 2017

Have you ever been tied up so tight with a rope and you are so hungry but you cannot reach out your hand for a bite, no matter how hard you try?
Today, I just suddenly felt like it. 

I felt like my hands were so tightly bound in cords of strong ropes. I felt my mind was shut in a room with the door locked on the outside. I felt my heart was sealed with a lock with the key thrown to the deepest part of the sea. 

I know how hard you try. I see your efforts to make me smile. I acknowledge your thoughfulness. I am bewildered by your attention. I encourage your love. 

But I am sorry, my dear. I am sorry if I am at most parts of most days unsure. I am sorry if I do not know how to respond. I am sorry if I tend to question everything. I am sorry if I cannot reciprocate. I do not know what I want now, much as understand what I deserve.

I have gone through a lot. See, these hands that you are trying to hold are still bound to the past. I do not want to touch your face and remember the hurts of yesterday. Look, this mind that you are trying to understand is still kept in prison by the memories of a man who kept it overthinking. I do not want to wake up with you beside me and remember him and our memories. Behold, this heart that you are trying to win over was locked up with keys yet still to be found under the sea. I do not want to give you my heart to hold, with somebody else still sleeping inside it. 

You do not deserve this half-hearted, unsure love now. 

I do not want to be unfair to you and myself.

You do not deserve me now. 

I am sorry.