Let me get this straight, folks.
I have been feeling extremely listless, lost and empty these past few days.
This might not be a new season for me. Even though I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for more than 2 years now, these restless emotions within me these past few days kept me tired and sleepy all day but found it hard to even sleep at night. For all of you who have known me and my struggles, you will know how hard I pushed myself to keep floating on the water’s surface no matter how unfriendly the waves of dark days came crashing over me. You would know how hard I tried to remain alive.
But all this air I am breathing now and the pulsing of my wrists are all but nothing if it had not been because of God’s grace sustaining me even during this season.
See, today I went to the office to work as usual. But God knows how hard it was for me to wake up, get up, and drag myself to the world. I know where I am going (to the office) but I do not why I am still going. Much more, I know I am alive but deep inside me, I know I am merely existing.
I feel so empty, devoid of anything that can fill my restless heart. All I can feel is pain in my chest. I have thought hard about this and I figured out that I do not even know now how to live life without this pain. I do not want to be totally empty, even of this pain. What would I be then, a hallow, deep, dark soul?
But then, in the stillness of my heart, His grace seeps into the deep crevices of my soul. In the murky corners of my being, in the vacuum located in my heart, His grace slowly but surely melts away the steel bars that barricaded me. Jesus has been calling me to surrender everything to His feet, even these emptiness and pain. He is telling me to order these pains and hurts to vacate the vacuum inside my heart.
Jesus has been knocking on the door of my heart ever since. He is asking me to lay aside these illegal settlers in my heart because the true Occupant has arrived to bring fire to its home. This vacuum in my heart was God-shaped after all!
So, slowly but surely, I am taking off the moldy wallpaper of the past stuck to the walls of my heart. I am taking down the picture frames of rejection and desperation that once hung in its walls. I am taking off the rusty nails that so long stuck in my heart. I am taking off the dirty cobwebs of sin and idolatry from my heart’s ceiling. Taking these things off may mean getting hurt along the process, bleeding and crying, but I know it will be worth it. This heart has to be ready, torn down to the ground, so that its true Occupant named Jesus can build it up again, restore it, make it a heart of flesh, decorate it with His love and make it beat again.
I am really excited! Even though I cry, my heart is now exuding a joy I cannot even understand now. I am longing to see the day when this heart becomes a true home to its legal and rightful occupant. Only then and there will I be truly happy and full. I know I am getting closer to that day.
Jesus, occupy my heart.