I am on the road now travelling from Dasol, Pangasinan to Dagupan to catch a bus going to Baguio City. In times like this when the road seems never ending, I cannot help but be forced to think about things that matter in life and love. Maybe, the cold wind and the still view of fields add to this nostalgic feeling.
And so tonight, I was deeply struck with this sense of uncertainty about falling in love. Let me clarify, I am not uncertain whether I would want to be in love (who does not want that?), but I am uncertain whether I can be secured in love.
So what brought about these uncertain feelings are my deeply set insecurities about myself, my mistrust of people and fear of being hurt and becoming like a total fool again.
Deeply set insecurities
I have this tendency to fall for men who didn’t even like me in the first place or may have liked me but will never pursue. Maybe, I have become a magnet that attracts itself to people who will never choose me for some reasons. On the other point, there were some who actually pursued but I was too insecure about myself that I did not bother to notice them. I feel so undeserving of love. I am so insecure about myself, both in the physical and emotional sense. I have this ongoing sense in me that I am never good enough, pretty enough, fit enough and loveable enough. I am afraid that the person I like will always find someone else who is prettier, more mature and more of everything else than me. Pitiful, isn’t it? I am trying my best to work on it, with the help of some friends. I know this shouldn’t be.
Mistrust of people
I have difficulty putting my trust in people, much more in a man. Or at the extreme, I have trusted people too much in the past that I only ended up hurt and disappointed. I realized that I have this mistrust in people that either pushes them away, or the worst case, I will run away from them instead.
Fear of being hurt and becoming like a total fool again
For those of you who were following on my journey of healing a broken heart, you would understand this fear. I am scared of being hurt again. I am afraid of becoming like a total fool of myself again just because of my emotions. I fear the unknown. I am scared to try again.
This seems to be a pointless case, isn’t it? Because these fears will never ever cease until my heart struck gold with this idea:
If I wanted to be secured in love, I cannot find it in a man but in God alone.
This is a relief! Because nobody in this world can satisfy and secure me of love but God alone. No one else in this world could assure me of love in its absolute sense but God alone. Even the seemingly perfect marriages fail. Even the best boyfriend can disappoint me. I can always disappoint the one I love.
But God’s love never will.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:25-26 NIV)