I am holding two glass balls in my hand now. 

The blue glass ball contained all the unkind words thrown at me, unreciprocated emotions, unappreciated efforts, unmet expectations and my unspoken desires. The blue glass ball contained all the tears I cried, broken guitar strings, deeply-inked pages and remnants of my broken heart. 

The blue glass ball is called Fear. 

I have been holding on to Fear for a long time now. In fact, I have been used to living with Fear since the day I knew hurt, pain and rejection. Fear has been my constant companion, my ever sure buddy whenever situations called for it. Fear was there when I chose to stay where I am was before. Fear was there whispering in my ear when I cancelled all my travel plans. Fear was by my side when I pushed important people away from me. 

It is not that I consider Fear to be my bestfriend. I chose Fear and clung unto it because I cannot think of a better option. And denial has been gripping me whenever I try to wrestle against Fear. I refuse to move. I decline to be shaken. I deny all forms of love. 

It has been a very long time carrying this blue glass ball and my left arm is getting tired now. 

Only then did I notice that in my other hand, I was carrying an even smaller reddish glass ball. And everytime I look and ponder on its tiny beauty, it begins to glow and grow. 

I reached lengths to recognize what this red glass ball is not until Someone told me that the glass ball is called Love. 

Sunrise over Nasugbu, Batangas, May 2017

I have heard of Love in all so many places. I have encountered its various forms in different places and faces. Love, they say, is powerful. Love, they say, when cultivated, blooms and grows. 

That explains why everytime I will devote my time into gazing at the red glass ball’s beauty instead of the blue one, it continues to glow and grow. That is one mystery of Love: it is Alive. Love has life in it. It is not dead. 

In my comfort zone living with Fear, I unknowingly locked up my heart and went on with life with a smile on my face. It was mostly all for show, a pretense. I made myself busy with building my walls higher, thinking that in so doing, nobody can get close. I was too afraid for people to peek inside me and see what a mess I have been. 

But then, I found this safe place a lonely one. I am finally choosing to consider Love. It is always a risk, an entirely new course of adventure. And adventures are only for the daring hearts. Choosing Love can be dangerous and messy but it is a more dangerous and costly thing to listen to Fear. 

I realized that it is a very beautiful thing to know and be known. I have been missing a lot in life when I suppress expressing Love and accepting Love. With Love, the sun shines brighter, the mountains look greener and the stars twinkle more beautifully. There is a whole vastness of life outside my comfort zone of Fear. There is a universe of warmth and color in choosing Love. 

So, I am letting go of the blue glass ball in my left hand and choose to cling tighter to the red glass ball in my right hand. I will lay down the Fear that I have been hiding for so long. I am choosing to be brave even when my heart is afraid. I am choosing to trust. 

Yes, maybe I will hurt. I might get bruised. I might even cry. Or maybe I will lose. 

But despite all my fears, I am gonna choose to love. 

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18 NIV)

>>Kathy ๐Ÿ’œ

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