Recently, I have been overthinking a lot of things. Be it emotional stuff and other things going on in my life such as my pending enrollment to law school, work decisions and financial matters, I have been overthinking and worrying.
I am the type of person who thinks a lot. And when I say think a lot, I mean it. I am the type who easily becomes paranoid when the things I planned or have decided on didn’t go the way I expected them to be. I usually go to both poles of extreme cases. I will either become paralyzed by indecision and stress or I will try to control and manipulate things to go my way.
So, I have this dilemma of whether I will be able to enroll in law school. See, I have already passed the admission test and interview of my chosen university as well as the national admission test conducted by the Legal Education Board. Everything seems to be going well and smooth. Then came the roadblocks and conflicts.
Suddenly, the partners in our firm were quite disagreeing with my supposed-to-be class schedule in school. And to make matters unbearable for a person like me, I am being pushed on every side to choose between what I want to do (pursuing law) and what I cannot forego now (my job, finances and health). I was really overthinking for many days and suffered many sleepless nights.
Then one afternoon, I was reminded of something. And to immortalize this epiphany moment, I drew my concept.
I was reminded that life is large — so large that it has to be lived a lifetime, in general, to experience things, feel emotions, meet people and learn lessons. And what I feel or experience in the piece of time called “NOW” is just a small portion of what life is all about.
Looking back, I remember a preaching made by Pastor Peter Tan-Chi of Christ’s Commission Fellowship related to these things. He discussed about acknowledging and surrendering to God’s sovereignty. Like my drawing above, he also illustrated the concept through two circles. The small circle refers to the things within our control. The bigger circle refers to the things outside our control. He explained that it is an easy deal to manage the things within our control than the things outside it. What happens when we try to control the things within the large circle? We get anxious, tired, depressed, angry or sometimes ungrateful. That is why the larger circle was never meant for us to handle or maneuvre. It is God’s.
Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? (Luke 12:22-26 NIV)
So, I learned to rest again and not take matters into my own hands. I refused to become a helpless control freak. And when I did this, I experienced peace. And then God’s wisdom suddenly overflowed.